Is it Necessary to Fall?

Today I didn't try at all. *shake my head sadly* I failed at staying on my bicycle and not actually falling off for the second time in a week. I think this time it was a little funny because I fell on(yes ON!!! not even OFF) my bike without actually even mounting on it. How could I have possibly done so? Such embarrassment; those camp kids must have pitied me, standing a few feet behind me, wearing bright orange shirts with large white prints that said something motivational something enlightening: I don't know what it said, I couldn't look well because I was busy falling.

Why is the idea of falling so embarassing, completely shameful, so demeaning? I think this shame is exacerbated when you aren't even pushed but rather fall because you tripped or slipped. It's completely absurd when others see you fall and ask "Are you okay?" I want to respond "No I'm actually not okay, I just fell and I think I scraped my really nice legs which already have scars from my previous falls" but all I say is "Yes, thank you for asking." 

Once at a university,( I always fall terribly during summer school programs, maybe I should stop attending them) I fell, running away from the rain. I had my laptop in hand and there was no building close by so I hoped I would make it to my dorm which was about 10 minutes away (such wishful thinking on my part.) I begged the rain not to touch me or my laptop but I forgot it didn't have ears. Not only did I get beaten by the rain but I also slipped and fell down a flight of stairs. I don't know how we both survived but, here I am telling the story... well my laptop didn't really survive.. but again a sweet couple asked if I was doing fine and then I smiled, with all the pain in my knees saying "yes, thank you." I was pretty hurt that day but didn't have the time for formalities: to nurse the pain and feel pity for myself.

Since then, I've been afraid of falling because I might lose my two front teeth and not be able to smile on my wedding day. But even worse than my fear of falling is my fear of failing. It's like falling only it embarrasses your emotions and causes them to sometimes mock you and laugh at you. I'm talking about that feeling where you feel so hot and a certain warmth tickles your stomach muscles and you don't want to swallow your spit anymore because that one goal you worked at for so long wasn't successful. I've been there so many times that it makes me itch. Caution this feeling comes in different forms such as vomiting, crying, fever, depression, overeating, restrictions may apply...See a doctor if symptoms get worse. 

Failing sucks so much that sometimes I'd rather fall and dust off the dirt and get on my bike again. But what if I was to fall off a building? Then I would die! haha let's not trail away to the negative realms.

I think if we begin to see failing as falling, life wouldn't be so terrible. So you failed that test, and it would affect you GPA, and you won't graduate and the worst thing in the world happens and then what? You wake up tomorrow and continue your life. You are not the first person to fail at whatever you are doing and even if you were you would certainly not be the last. It is really what you do after failing/falling that matters. If  you don't get up immediately after failing and falling, it is not much of an issue. You have the chance to cry and wail and nurse your pain and do whatever allows you to cope with your pain and embarrassment but at some point,
you must end your dramatic reaction, get up, and continue to live.

The moving on process is not supposed to be sweet and extra cheesy or creamy or even have some inspirational music in the background. But it can be. You will need to have a more positive disposition towards life and keep telling yourself "It will get better. It must get better. until it actually gets better"

Natural Hair Gone Wrong!

This post has been long overdue...most people, when they go natural, find they have to give a reason for why they thought it was okay to just chop of most of their hair so it could grow so thick and curly  and healthy and all that good stuff. I am not here to give you that reason because honestly, I think you don't care...and also because I think it doesn't matter: you have had several reasons to do wild and crazy things to your hair but never felt the need to explain(maybe you did) and so why should I?

What I really want to talk to you about is how difficult it is to be natural..like being yourself kind of thing. Boy! Have you ever tried being normal? I'm not talking about pretending. I'm talking about just you being the abnormally normal person you are?

Let me share my NATURAL story.

I did not do the "big chop." I wasn't bold enough. My cheeks would be too fat, my forehead would be out, big and visible, all the blackheads on my face would show miserably well. But I wanted to go natural. My permed hair was all thin and  never grew any longer after it got permed. So I stopped perming and just continued to braid : twists,box braids, and all that. It was all going well until one day a GUY pointed out that I needed a perm. How embarrassing!  (As if I couldn't see the struggles on my head)

 

So time went on, birds flew in the sky, babies were born and I finally decided to cut off my permed hair after growing it naturally for six months. After I cut it, there was almost nothing left on my head. However, I was all bold(and a little bald) and confident until Monday came around and I had to go back to school and I thought "that guy that had been checking me out won't look at me again after he sees this hair"...no I couldn't do this to myself. So I braided my hair with really long twists :color 4 and color 33, nothing special until I was tired of covering my head with two shower caps every time I took a shower (see below) .

After spring beak I took those threads down and my "natural " hair seemed to not have grown an inch. Where was the fabulousness these girls on YouTube were talking about? All free and liberating...yeah right!!!. I felt anxiety every time I wanted to reveal my hair. I felt like I wanted to glue my permed hair back on. I felt someone could have at least told me that the courage wasn't in the hair but actually in the person. 

So I took the short look to church and the comments I heard just poured cold water on my soul : this one lady looked at me, squeezed her face like I had farted and said "why did you cut your hair?" and when I told her why, it seemed the reason was not enough. So I stopped explaining and only said something like "you know, I'm trying something new."

I was so insecure I wanted to cut all my hair off: like that would have made anything better. So I added more extensions to my "afro" like hair. The only catch was that these new extensions looked like my own hair and so when people would say " I love your hair" I would say "thanks"...I didn't want to disappoint them and let them know it was fake. That I was fake. So I carried on feeling confident with 100% human hair ...Janet. .thank you Janet for your service.

But then the extensions started to stink and it was unfitting so I took them out and decided I was coming out...lol. Mainly because school was out and it was getting hotter by the day. So I wore my natural hair and no one even cared. All this while I was caring about people not caring about how I looked.  If I had just stopped and just been myself.

Disclaimer: Natural hair is real. The shrinkage is real. The struggle is real. Everything is real. But I would not have it any other way...until I decide I don't want to be real anymore.

There are many reasons for individuals to think that their lives must be a show. You don't have to wake up putting on a show for anyone unless you think its necessary. However, I think that it's just wrong to pretend for a long time: you will get tired. But just remember no one really cares about why you have green or blue hair. They might question, disagree, or even reject you but at least you have given them a taste of #teamnatural.